


Look At Me Like I’m Broken And Ask If I’m Okay

by crescentim



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Asexual Character, Brief Descriptions of Sex, Coming of Age, Happy Ending, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, and i do mean BRIEF, lucas is ace and trying to figure it out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:21:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22430050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crescentim/pseuds/crescentim
Summary: Lucas would listen to Mark talk on late nights when they sat under the stars together. He would listen to Mark when it was the summer before sophomore year and Mark talked about losing his virginity and how amazing it felt and how he wanted more. He would listen when Mark went into detail before asking Lucas if he had done it yet. Lucas would say no. Mark wouldn’t pressure him.
Relationships: Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 4
Kudos: 81





	Look At Me Like I’m Broken And Ask If I’m Okay

**Author's Note:**

> did someone order a serving of slightly projecting myself onto my ult? bc that’s what i’m serving up :))) 
> 
> also my writing betrayed me but everything is consensual, it’s just difficult to get the idea of not liking sex but still doing it

Ever since 8th grade Lucas always had an understanding that Mark was meant to be in his life. They would have disagreements and petty pre-teen fights but would make up faster than they thought was possible. They would be there for each other when their girlfriends or boyfriends broke up with them and when they got into another relationship. Above all, they would listen to each other. 

Lucas would listen to Mark talk on late nights when they sat under the stars together. He would listen to Mark when it was the summer before sophomore year and Mark talked about losing his virginity and how amazing it felt and how he wanted more. He would listen when Mark went into detail before asking Lucas if he had done it yet. Lucas would say no. Mark wouldn’t pressure him.

Lucas would think back to that moment for the next year. He would wonder why he didn’t feel the same way Mark had described. He would go to parties and sit with an untouched beer in his hands and easedropped stories of people fucking replaying in his mind. When the parties died down and it was only his friends left, he would listen to them talk about porn and girls and boys and wanting to put their hands down people’s pants. The entire time Lucas would sit with his lukewarm drink and wonder why he didn’t feel like that. 

Lucas would think _maybe I just haven’t had the right experiences. Maybe I’m just a late bloomer. Maybe it’ll just take me time._

Halfway through senior year Lucas would fuck a guy that he didn’t remember the name of and feel nothing. The other guy would finish and Lucas would lay in some random bed with hickeys on his body and a gross feeling crawling over his skin, and he would make the decision that he absolutely did _not_ like sex. 

He would keep this to himself though. When Mark bugged him to tell him the details, he wouldn't tell Mark how he had to fake each noise he had made. He wouldn’t tell Mark that he only had sex to figure out if he liked it. He wouldn’t tell Mark that he didn’t. Because Mark did and Lucas might one day tell him that he wanted to kiss his lips and hold his hand but not go any further. And that might scare Mark off. So he didn’t mention it. 

Two months after that Lucas would date someone new. They would go out to the movies and get dinner and go back to his house. Lucas wouldn’t say anything at first, because maybe his decision was wrong. Maybe he just hadn’t liked the first guy as much as he thought. After all, with his new boyfriend Lucas would sometimes find himself staring at his lips and wanting to run his hands over his body. He would occasionally maybe want to actually get further than a dirty make out session. 

But then when his boyfriend wanted to fuck him, the absence of desire filled Lucas instead. He still didn’t say anything as they had sex. He thought back to his first time and realized how similar they were. His faux moans filled the air as he buried his face in his boyfriend’s neck and let him cum first, saying he could finish himself later. He didn’t say anything whenever his boyfriend wanted Lucas to jack him off but Lucas just wanted to watch a movie and cuddle. 

When he finally did say something he felt broken. He explained how he didn’t have the same desire for sex and his boyfriend stared at him like he was crazy. He was told that it was weird and asked if he was okay. Their conversation went quiet after that and Lucas was driven back to his house. As the streetlights passed by he wondered if he _was_ broken. 

Lucas would have sex with his boyfriend three more times before finally calling it quits. His boyfriend wouldn’t argue, and Lucas would see him post about someone new not even a week later. 

Mark would comfort Lucas as he cried into his chest. Lucas still didn’t mention that they broke up because he felt wrong and broken whenever his now-ex-boyfriend wanted to go further than their rough kisses. He didn’t mention how he was starting to hurt inside because of how badly he wanted to belong. He just ugly cried while Mark let out short “shush”es and rubbed his back. 

By the end of senior year Mark had a body count somewhere in the teens and Lucas kept his two. Mark didn’t bother him over it and whenever he asked if Lucas had fucked anyone new and Lucas replied with his stale “no” he would simple smile, nod, and continue with their conversation. Mark made him feel safe. He made him feel like it was okay that he was the way he was. 

They threw their caps up at graduation 30 rows apart with smiles on their faces. Three hours later they would be drunkenly sat on a friend’s couch and throw their caps again, this time with only inches between them. Their smiles were still on their faces as they searched others eyes and Mark pressed a sloppy kiss to Lucas’ mouth. They both blushed when he pulled back. That was as far as it went but Lucas was insanely content with it. 

The next morning they woke up in each other’s arms, crammed together on the couch, and then got breakfast like it was nothing. Lucas would watch Mark drink his orange juice and eat his pancakes and Lucas would feel this heart flutter and cheeks blush, realizing that _this_ was what he wanted. 

That night he finally looked up how he felt and found an explanation. He scrolled furiously through the search results as he read about other people’s experiences and emotions, and he cried when he found lots of stories similar to his. He cried when he realized he wasn’t broken and that it was okay for him to only like kisses and hand holding, and maybe occasionally something more. Finally he had found somewhere for him to belong and a label to identify with. 

In the middle of summer, before he and Mark attended the same university, Lucas came out. He blushed and stumbled over his words and Mark let out a nervous laugh because he already knew Lucas wasn’t straight. But Lucas had been questioning and wondering and feeling like it was all too much sometimes. 

“I’m asexual,” Lucas finally blurted out when Mark started to tear grass from the hill they sat on. He knew that Mark didn’t understand it when he looked at Lucas with a similar look that his ex had. That’s when he just wanted to take back his words and curl into himself as if his core were a black hole. When tears stung at his eyes and the back of his nose itched, Mark’s face fell. 

And they sat there repeating a familiar scene. Lucas holding on to Mark’s shirt and sobbing his eyes out while Mark comforted him with soothing noises and back rubs. When Lucas finally managed to get his sniffling under control, he met Mark’s eyes. 

“Please explain to me,” Mark whispered as he caressed Lucas’ cheek. 

So he did while he held Mark’s hand to his face and came clean about all his stories. He talked about how he had been questioning himself for so long and how he only had sex to make people happy. He assured Mark that even though he didn’t care for it, everything was always consensual. 

When Mark asked why he had made it all up, Lucas blushed furiously and whispered that it was because he didn’t want Mark thinking he was broken. He wouldn’t have been able to handle that. Mark let out a single chuckle and rubbed both of Lucas’ cheeks with his rough thumbs. 

They cried together. 

Lucas cried because he felt more weight off his chest. He cried because Mark wanted to understand and listened. He cried because Mark said it was okay and said he still loved him. He cried because Mark kissed him, even after all of what Lucas said. 

They kissed much more over the summer. They kissed when Mark was stopped at a red light and snuck glances at Lucas while he waited for it to change. They kissed when they went to a lake on the hottest day and splashed water at each other. They kissed when they spent the night at Lucas’ and shared a bed and slept in each other’s arms. They kissed each and every time Mark reassured Lucas that he was okay. That they didn’t need to do anything unless Lucas wanted to. 

Happiness like no other filled his heart when he heard Mark say that. The feeling of acceptance washed over him and he relaxed into Mark’s arms before falling asleep to the background noise of some action movie. Mark pet his hair and placed kisses on his head and Lucas felt safer than ever before.

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/xuximoons)   
>  [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/crescentim)


End file.
